You might have noticed it’s been a while since I’ve written here! Much has happened in the past year, and it’s taken me a while to reset and recover.
Within the past year, I had a terrible scare with my pregnancy; delivered my baby; navigated new, unforeseen health challenges; received a surprise diagnosis for my daughter; my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and is in the process of beating it… just to name a few things.
Within the midst of these things, some of which people could observe, and some they could not - there was
another struggle that got considerably worse for quite some time…
My mental health.
{A disclaimer for you - John MacArthur has famously said mental health is a fake issue, and that people only use it to make excuses for spiritual issues. I am not denying that there is a spiritual element to our mental health (hence, this post). But to deny the reality of mental health and the true chemical imbalances which people face is indeed a harmful message.}
You’ve probably heard of the “baby blues” or whatever other odd emotions are talked about in regards to the sudden postpartum hormone drop. I was prepared for that.
What I wasn’t aware of was how my anxiety - which was already heightened with all the chaos going on - would only get progressively worse, turning into a form of Harm OCD.
I never thought about harming my baby, although I know that is a very real thought that some women have had.
Instead, my mind was haunted for months by the most terrifying visions of harm befalling those close to me. Every action I carried out brought with it the weight of potentially harming them. Intrusive thoughts looked a lot like the following:
Picking out a carton of eggs at the grocery store - “What if an egg broke during transportation onto this carton? If I touch the carton and then touch my baby, she will get infected with Salmonella and die!”
Locking and barricading every door in my house at night - “If everything isn’t completely secure, someone will definitely break into our house tonight and murder my family in front of me!”
I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made, and that those types of thoughts don’t usually rule my mind. But for months, most every thought I had was centered around harm that could occur to those I loved, and the harm I felt I deserved (despite it not being acted upon) for the condition of my body and my mind.
In trying to find my way through the difficulties both seen and unseen in the past year, I discovered a few things about myself, and consequently, the Gospel.
I came to the realization that most of my greatest obsessions and compulsions lay in the fact that I only felt safe when I had complete control of a situation.
But even when it seemed I had total control of a situation, things still happened. Tragedy continued to find a way in no matter how many precautions I took.
I started asking myself why I ever believed that I could hold things together - why I thought I could prevent any and all evil from finding me. Because in believing that lie, I also end up believing the lie that God can’t.
If I’m truly the only hope my loved ones have at remaining safe and healthy, they should probably be looking somewhere else. But better yet - to Someone else.
“...From where will my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.”
(Psalm 121:1-3)
Even at my highest functioning point, when I have done everything I can - I still have to sleep at some point. I will eventually crash, take a misstep, or something will come along that will blindside me.
But I am learning (oh friends, still tediously learning) that He Who never slumbers is watching over every aspect of our lives. Every terrifying thought that crosses my mind, He is well acquainted with. Nothing scares Him, nothing surprises Him.
I assure you that nothing about you scares or surprises Him either.
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