Boundaries.
What are they, and why do we need them?
What about them makes some people in our lives very upset?
~~~~~
I am by nature a rather passionate person, and as I sat down to write today - there's no topic I wanted to talk to you more about.
The University of Illinois Chicago defines a "boundary" as an invisible line which others are not allowed to cross. That line defines what behavior, language and expectations of others are acceptable to you.¹
How might setting a boundary with a person (or group of people) be useful to you?
Well, those of us who struggle with setting boundaries are often people who have caregiver or peace-maker tendencies.
We want to ignore and smooth over conflict, take care of every need and problem so we don't hear about them again... and we want to believe that people can change.
We tell ourselves that if we let others have their way, make decisions for us and allow them to treat us poorly - that eventually things will get better because we don't stir the pot.
But my dear readers - giving someone else that kind of power over you when they only care about how they're benefited isn't ever going to turn out for your good.
~~~~~
How are we supposed to spot a toxic relationship? Sometimes (especially if you've grown up with an abusive friend or relative), it can be difficult to identify if something is wrong. You've always been led to believe it's normal, or "that's just the way that person is".
Toxic and/or abusive behaviors can include:
Public and/or private humiliation
Making decisions for you (especially if you're not a minor!) such as where you go, how you spend your money, your media/social exposure, what job you're going to have, etc.
Referring to you with insulting names (idiot, stupid, etc.)
Making fun of you, your family, job, interests, or opinions
Demeaning your ideas and opinions
Questioning your perceptions of certain events, and saying things like "I never said that," or "That was all your fault," when confronted with their abuses.
Threatening (sometimes even acting out on) the possibility of hurting themselves or someone/something you care about to make you "behave" like they want you to.
Pretending to care so as to gain your trust, only to spread lies about you to make them look good.
Constantly bringing up your own faults, but never admitting to any of their own.
Possessiveness ("I made it possible for you to ___, so now I own you. You have to do whatever I want.")
Using your presence in their lives only for the sake of their own benefit.
Taking advantage of your time and resources.²
~~~~~
What are the consequences of giving in to a toxic relationship/abuser?
It starts with seemingly "small" things - like feelings of self-doubt, shame, powerlessness and depression. Eventually you may feel as though you're not capable of making your own decisions, as if there's nothing you can do right.
You may start questioning the validity of your own existence, leading to more serious issues - including eating disorders, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, addictions,³ or other mental health issues such as dissociative identity disorder (DID).⁴
~~~~~
Now that you're a bit familiar with the concept of boundaries and the effects of emotional and psychological abuse - maybe you can identify and apply them to some people in your life... friends, relatives, coworkers, or bosses.
But maybe you're not really sure where to go from here. You know that setting boundaries with people is going to protect your own health and well-being, as well as give you a taste of freedom. But you also know it's going to possibly make them very, very angry when they don't have the control they want.
Let's go over three main stages of setting boundaries, together.
~~~~~
Stage One: Acknowledgment
If you're not a confrontational person, or if you currently believe the toxicity of your relationship(s) isn't intentional - this is a great place to start.
In this stage, what we're going to do is, as the heading states, acknowledge the issues at hand. That is, we're going to bring up the ways we've been mistreated to the person causing the issue directly.
We're going to explain how these abuses make us feel and have impacted us - and we're going to ask them politely (no - this is not the time to grovel) to stop these behaviors.
Best outcome: The toxic person realizes what they've been doing is wrong. They apologize, and make a conscious effort to regain your trust and respect by never crossing those lines again.
Worst outcome: The abuser refuses to acknowledge the issues at hand, and accuses you of being "too sensitive". Your attempt to restore the relationship has become another opportunity for them to mock and degrade you. On to Stage Two.
Stage Two: Standing Up
If you've made it here, either Stage One failed, or you know boundaries are going to be a problem and want to make sure you make yourself clear.
This is the stage where we might offer "incentives" to the toxic people in our lives. We make it abundantly clear what the rules of our relationship with them are, and what we will tolerate.
When they breach the rules (e.g. are starting to mock us or force our hand into a certain decision) - we will confront them immediately. At that moment, we're going to remind them of the ground rules, and give them an ultimatum. (A great example of this actually comes from children - they refuse to play with others who hit them or take their things without their permission.)
Best outcome: The toxic person realizes there are consequences to their actions, and decides to change their behaviors in order to maintain the relationship.
Worst outcome: The abuser refuses to operate by the rules you've put in place, and no matter how much you try to reason with them - they won't give up their manipulative games.
Stage Three: Distancing
Here we are. The final stage.
If you're here, it's been made abundantly clear to you that the relationship you tried to save isn't a healthy one. The toxic individual continued to make harmful choices towards you - displaying that they really value control over your life more than they value you.
They might have tried to convince you that you were asking for too much. Don't believe them. To be treated with basic dignity and respect are simple human needs. If they're going to continue in these behaviors, they're never going to care enough about you to change.
So it's time to let them go.
It's time to choose your freedom, your sanity and well-being over their lies, humiliation, and control. It's time to cut the ties.
What's the worst outcome? It might hurt for awhile if you were close to them.
But you also made the best choice for you, if not for others in your care as well.
Maybe it won't be like this forever. Maybe they will someday repent of their actions and come to you grieving all they have done. But until then, don't give in.
~~~~~
References:
Comments